Why I Hate Judd Apatow Movies

Judd Apatow movies suck. If you think they are hilarious, then you are an idiot.

In case you don't know who he is, Judd Apatow is the director of such inane comedies as "40 Year-Old Virgin," "Knocked Up" and "Pineapple Express." I'm not saying these movies aren't entirely vapid, but as a whole, they are simply terrible. This is a fact, not an opinion.

Here's how I will prove to you that Judd Apatow movies suck:

1. Get to the point, fucker.
Do you have friends that tell jokes? Do you have friends that tell really long jokes? And you know that the really long joke- no matter how funny the punch line may be- really wasn't worth all of that time listening? Judd Apatow is that guy- the guy telling that excruciatingly long joke that, in the end, wasn't so funny.

Unlike most of the world, I've not been diagnosed with Attention Deficit Disorder, so I can give an unbiased, Ritalin-free opinion. "40 Year Old Virgin" was simply too long to be funny. It's not until like an hour and half into the movie that the virgin gets into a fight with his girlfriend. You know what that means- it means that we have to wait for the situation to resolve itself. I wanted to cry when I realized there was more to this terribly unfunnny movie. The whole fucking movie then turned out to be 133 minutes. Jesus people!! That's a long fucking movie! A long movie about some fucking virgin. Who gives a fuck?? "Gandhi," one of the greatest movies of all time, was 155 minutes. Gandhi may not have been a virgin, but I doubt he was banging many chicks by the end of his life. But do you know what Gandhi did when he also wasn't having sex like the little shithead in "40 Year Old Virgin?" HE LIBERATED AN ENTIRE FUCKING COUNTRY FROM OPPRESSION!! ONE MAN DID THIS!! CAN YOU BELIEVE IT??? He peacefully boycotted the British empire and brought it down!! He refused to let the British insult the people of India and waste their resources. And one man lead this revolution! Holy shit! Now that's a movie worth watching for 2-3 hours!! I don't need to see 133 minutes about a fucking virgin who works at a crappy electronics store in the Valley.

They key to comedy is brevity. This means: keep it short, stupid. "Knocked Up" clocks in at 133 minutes, and "Funny People" comes in at an astonishing 146 minutes. Who the fuck cares about these characters and their long drawn-out, unfunny lives? God I hate them.

So Judd Apatow read the first bullet here: get to the fucking point. They say in movies and books you should start the plot as late as possible so you can get to through to the resolve. I simply don't have patience for a long and stupid comedy.

2. He's so over the top... fucker.
Alright, that last "fucker" was just for effect. I know, it fit better in the above bullet, but it's nonsensical here. But if you're reading this that means that you either share my anger, or disagree with me- which means you're used to long-winded crap. My rant is no different that some shitty Judd Apatow movie.

Alright: Judd Apatow movies suck because they are simply too "over the top" to be realistic. My case in point : that shit-film "Knocked Up." This movie was horrendous. Here's classic Apataowian over the top shit: the scene where the fat fuck impregnates the white trash slut... actually the scene where he tells his father he impregnated her. Do you remember it? Fatboy sits down with his father and tells him that after a one-night stand he impregnated some white cave bitch... Before you conjure up this terrible scene in your head: imagine your parent's reaction if you did the same. How would your parents feel if you knocked up some chick or you got knocked up by some fat Jewish kid? Take a moment to think about it....

THEY WOULD FUCKING DIE!!! They would kill themselves before they could even kill you!! It would be some Hitlerian Valhalla- cyanide capsules, and a gun-shot to the head. And you know that's true. But how does the Judd Apatow father react "[Oh son, that's wonderful. I'm so happy for you. Having kids is wonderful.]" ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? No parent, especially a Jewish father (and trust me- I know Jews) would think impregnating some shiksa after a one-night-stand was a good thing. And Judd the dud throws this crap at us and expects us to believe it. So we're supposed to suspend reality, and say: "oh cool, yeah, a one-night-stand impregnation is totally cool with this guy's father. cool... continue on with this movie." Sorry people, I'm not bright, but I'm not a fucking Apa-tool. I ask you not to suspend reality in every movie, but don't let Apatow try to fool you to the extent that he insults your intelligence. Furthermore, Judd Apatow just makes a bunch of dick and weed jokes that aren't funny. They appeal to pre-adolescent males. They insult us all.

Conclusion
I'm sure I haven't "proven" my point to you. In fact, I can't prove that Judd Apatow movies really do suck that much because I've only been able to sit through one-and-a-half of them (those named above). I hear "Funny People" isn't funny at all. I hear it's a drama about a dying man. I might see this one actually because Judd isn't trying to be funny- he's found his real calling! Depressing us!

Criticize me all you want, fuckers. I know- he's a multi-millionaire and I'm some schmuck behind a shitty, three year-old laptop. But you know what- money, and good marketing doesn't mean a good quality film. The fact is is that the studios help to make these movies to MAKE MONEY. It's not about a quality movie. It's about the studios and corporations OPPRESSING us by only putting out this crap and expecting us to pay for it. They put out movies that will appeal to the most amount of people so more people will go see them. It's another form of corporate oppression.

I, like my friend Mahatma Gandhi, refuse to participate. I will boycott the drivel that the studios are pumping out. I won't spend my money anymore to have my time wasted and intelligence insulted by their shit.

Fuck Judd Apatow movies.