A Needle in a Ball Sack

A few days ago, I had a needle in my ball sack.

Without boring you by describing my medical condition, I have a huge ball sack. I have a hydrocele (basically a water pouch) in my scrotum that has been growing for several years. When the pouch was first created, Snoop Dogg was rapping about niggas, hos, weed and 1-8-7s on mothafucking cops. Now he has reality show featuring his wife and kids. My how my balls have seen the world change.

Until the other day, my left ball was the size of a large orange or a small pumpkin. In the world of ball sacks (in case you don't have one), that's larger than average... for a human at least. I couldn't fit my hand around my balls. After years of struggling to put on jeans, tie my shoes, sit comfortably anywhere for a period longer than 30 minutes, I decided to go to the doctor and have my sack checked. The following describes how I managed to get a needle in my ball sack.

I waited in the doctor's office, anticipating his arrival and much needed medical advice to treat this miniature basketball. Doctor Rothman greeted me and quickly asked me to drop my pants. Before my jeans could hit my ankles he jumped back and shrieked "Yikes! What the hell is that?!?" Holding his laughter, Dr. Rothman told me that he's seen balls that size in "old men," but not in men of my age. Giggling to himself, he ordered an immediate ultrasound and sent me down the hall.

I walked down the hall and was greeted by a 40ish female Persian assistant. I wasn't too uncomfortable about having this woman see my balls, after all, she's a doctor... or an ultrasound assistant person. She handed me a large paper towel and asked that I lay down and "cover the top," i.e. my penis. She applied a lubricant on my balls and started prodding the area with the ultrasound wand. As if the situation wasn't awkward enough, we began to engage into some light conversation.

She started: "So why did you wait so long to have [your balls] looked at?," she asked with a smirk. . I told her that they had been growing for years, and finally, the discomfort was getting to be too much. "It's really big," she reiterated, "I think it's one of the biggest I've ever seen. You didn't want to come in here earlier?," she asked. "Well," I said, "I guess I didn't realize it was THAT big..." She seemed astonished that I had let my balls grow to this monstrous size. She insisted that I should have known better. Fuck you lady! After the third: "What the hell were you thinking, kid- letting your balls get so big?!?," I finally said: "Well, listen, I really don't go around checking out other guy's balls all day." That basically shut her up. As I left her office, she giggled that I could receive some sort of certificate for having the largest ball sack to ever enter that office. While flattered, I have yet to receive any sort of recognition.

After I left the testicle interrogation room, I returned back to Dr. Rothman's office to have him deliver the ultrasound results. I began coming up with a list of questions: Is there something wrong here? Do I need surgery? What are my options? Then Dr. Rothman walked in.

"OK, this thing is huge," Dr. Rothman said laughing. "We can get rid of the hydrocele without affecting the testicle." He explained that he'd make an incision into my sack and then cut out the hydrocele that was putting pressure around my left testicle as it was surrounding all of it. Sounded like a blast. (Note: if you're dying to see what this surgery looks like, go to youtube and type in "hydrocele surgery.")

"Dr. Rothman, I'm not sure I want to get rid of it so quickly," I said- nervous that surgery was imminent.

Cutting me off, he snapped: "I can't think of one reason why anyone would want that thing! It's huge," again- shaking his head with laughter.

Where I come from, guys don't usually like having their ball sack cut open; Dr. Rothman clearly didn't come from the same neighborhood, and he insisted on knowing why I was so hesitant. So in full medical honesty, and in preserving my family jewels away from his sack scalpel, I told him my reservations about having the surgery. Fuck- could this day get anymore awkward?!?

I told Dr. Rothman that women love my huge sack. He looked up, pondering how a woman could derive any pleasure from it. "I don't really get it- the balls are underneath the penis- how would a woman enjoy it?" Fuck dude- seriously?!? Am I really explaining this to you? Now I had to sound all medical: "Well doctor, if you're having umm... intercourse with a woman... err.. say from behind, um.. the ball, with hmm... how can I say it- continued thrusting and contact, provides umm... clitoral stimulation." Nice work, I thought!

Dr. Rothman looked up to the ceiling and said: "Ah, I guess if you were waxing a woman from behind, it would feel good for her!" Did my doctor just quote a 2 Live Crew lyric?? "Waxing?" Who is this guy??

I also told him that my ball also provided some amusement for friends. "Your friends must think you're a god with that thing!" I admitted, it provides some amusement. "I guess those are really good reasons to keep it then!," he said. Well, at least now I didn't feel like a complete schmuck.

Dr. Rothman gave me a set of options: I could have the invasive surgery that will permanently fix the problem. My second option, and much less invasive and permanent, would be to stick a needle in my sack, and suck out all of the fluid therein. I was assured though that with option #2, the fluid would reenter the sack within a few months and it would go back to being the mini football size that it was.

Against Dr. Rothman's recommendation, I chose option #2 because, I needed to see the difference first. If the benefit feeling a bit more comfortable in my jeans outweighed the benefits of having huge balls (see above), then I needed a little "test run." So option #2 it was! And it was performed right then and there.

Dr. Rothman called in an assistant who quickly began cleaning my my scrotal sack. Dr. Rothman then gave me a shot of anaesthetic which was quite painful actually. Once that was done, he stuck in another needle that immediately began to gush out a yellowish-brown fluid from my sack. It reminded my of a volcano, as the fluid just erupted from my ball sack and began spilling all over my genital and upper leg area. He quickly attached a large plastic syringe onto the needle and began to slowly suck out all of the fluid. It was pretty much the most surreal experience of my life.

Dr. Rothman had removed five ounces of fluid when he said that it was getting harder to get it all out. So he began crudely squeezing my ball sack to get out the remaining fluid. FUCK!!! I nearly jumped out my seat. "Oh, sorry- does that hurt?" No guy- I have a fucking needle in my sack and you're squeezing it like a stress toy!! Doesn't hurt at all. Fuck!

Dr. Shapiro admitted he couldn't get all of the fluid out and assured my I'd be returning soon for another procedure. I can't wait. I drove home from the hospital bruised and with a normal size sack.

Now I sit here, with a bruised ball sack. The skin, having been stretched for so many years, now hangs, enveloping my entire penis. They could use the skin to make a purse.

When I got home, I left a message with Dr. Rothman's office, inquiring when I could resume such "recreational activities," like running and sex. He never returned my phone call.

My dad said I should probably stick to walking and hand jobs.