A few days ago, I had a needle in my ball sack.
Without boring you by describing my medical condition, I have a huge ball sack. I have a hydrocele (basically a water pouch) in my scrotum that has been growing for several years. When the pouch was first created, Snoop Dogg was rapping about niggas, hos, weed and 1-8-7s on mothafucking cops. Now he has reality show featuring his wife and kids. My how my balls have seen the world change.
Until the other day, my left ball was the size of a large orange or a small pumpkin. In the world of ball sacks (in case you don't have one), that's larger than average... for a human at least. I couldn't fit my hand around my balls. After years of struggling to put on jeans, tie my shoes, sit comfortably anywhere for a period longer than 30 minutes, I decided to go to the doctor and have my sack checked. The following describes how I managed to get a needle in my ball sack.
I waited in the doctor's office, anticipating his arrival and much needed medical advice to treat this miniature basketball. Doctor Rothman greeted me and quickly asked me to drop my pants. Before my jeans could hit my ankles he jumped back and shrieked "Yikes! What the hell is that?!?" Holding his laughter, Dr. Rothman told me that he's seen balls that size in "old men," but not in men of my age. Giggling to himself, he ordered an immediate ultrasound and sent me down the hall.
I walked down the hall and was greeted by a 40ish female Persian assistant. I wasn't too uncomfortable about having this woman see my balls, after all, she's a doctor... or an ultrasound assistant person. She handed me a large paper towel and asked that I lay down and "cover the top," i.e. my penis. She applied a lubricant on my balls and started prodding the area with the ultrasound wand. As if the situation wasn't awkward enough, we began to engage into some light conversation.
She started: "So why did you wait so long to have [your balls] looked at?," she asked with a smirk. . I told her that they had been growing for years, and finally, the discomfort was getting to be too much. "It's really big," she reiterated, "I think it's one of the biggest I've ever seen. You didn't want to come in here earlier?," she asked. "Well," I said, "I guess I didn't realize it was THAT big..." She seemed astonished that I had let my balls grow to this monstrous size. She insisted that I should have known better. Fuck you lady! After the third: "What the hell were you thinking, kid- letting your balls get so big?!?," I finally said: "Well, listen, I really don't go around checking out other guy's balls all day." That basically shut her up. As I left her office, she giggled that I could receive some sort of certificate for having the largest ball sack to ever enter that office. While flattered, I have yet to receive any sort of recognition.
After I left the testicle interrogation room, I returned back to Dr. Rothman's office to have him deliver the ultrasound results. I began coming up with a list of questions: Is there something wrong here? Do I need surgery? What are my options? Then Dr. Rothman walked in.
"OK, this thing is huge," Dr. Rothman said laughing. "We can get rid of the hydrocele without affecting the testicle." He explained that he'd make an incision into my sack and then cut out the hydrocele that was putting pressure around my left testicle as it was surrounding all of it. Sounded like a blast. (Note: if you're dying to see what this surgery looks like, go to youtube and type in "hydrocele surgery.")
"Dr. Rothman, I'm not sure I want to get rid of it so quickly," I said- nervous that surgery was imminent.
Cutting me off, he snapped: "I can't think of one reason why anyone would want that thing! It's huge," again- shaking his head with laughter.
Where I come from, guys don't usually like having their ball sack cut open; Dr. Rothman clearly didn't come from the same neighborhood, and he insisted on knowing why I was so hesitant. So in full medical honesty, and in preserving my family jewels away from his sack scalpel, I told him my reservations about having the surgery. Fuck- could this day get anymore awkward?!?
I told Dr. Rothman that women love my huge sack. He looked up, pondering how a woman could derive any pleasure from it. "I don't really get it- the balls are underneath the penis- how would a woman enjoy it?" Fuck dude- seriously?!? Am I really explaining this to you? Now I had to sound all medical: "Well doctor, if you're having umm... intercourse with a woman... err.. say from behind, um.. the ball, with hmm... how can I say it- continued thrusting and contact, provides umm... clitoral stimulation." Nice work, I thought!
Dr. Rothman looked up to the ceiling and said: "Ah, I guess if you were waxing a woman from behind, it would feel good for her!" Did my doctor just quote a 2 Live Crew lyric?? "Waxing?" Who is this guy??
I also told him that my ball also provided some amusement for friends. "Your friends must think you're a god with that thing!" I admitted, it provides some amusement. "I guess those are really good reasons to keep it then!," he said. Well, at least now I didn't feel like a complete schmuck.
Dr. Rothman gave me a set of options: I could have the invasive surgery that will permanently fix the problem. My second option, and much less invasive and permanent, would be to stick a needle in my sack, and suck out all of the fluid therein. I was assured though that with option #2, the fluid would reenter the sack within a few months and it would go back to being the mini football size that it was.
Against Dr. Rothman's recommendation, I chose option #2 because, I needed to see the difference first. If the benefit feeling a bit more comfortable in my jeans outweighed the benefits of having huge balls (see above), then I needed a little "test run." So option #2 it was! And it was performed right then and there.
Dr. Rothman called in an assistant who quickly began cleaning my my scrotal sack. Dr. Rothman then gave me a shot of anaesthetic which was quite painful actually. Once that was done, he stuck in another needle that immediately began to gush out a yellowish-brown fluid from my sack. It reminded my of a volcano, as the fluid just erupted from my ball sack and began spilling all over my genital and upper leg area. He quickly attached a large plastic syringe onto the needle and began to slowly suck out all of the fluid. It was pretty much the most surreal experience of my life.
Dr. Rothman had removed five ounces of fluid when he said that it was getting harder to get it all out. So he began crudely squeezing my ball sack to get out the remaining fluid. FUCK!!! I nearly jumped out my seat. "Oh, sorry- does that hurt?" No guy- I have a fucking needle in my sack and you're squeezing it like a stress toy!! Doesn't hurt at all. Fuck!
Dr. Shapiro admitted he couldn't get all of the fluid out and assured my I'd be returning soon for another procedure. I can't wait. I drove home from the hospital bruised and with a normal size sack.
Now I sit here, with a bruised ball sack. The skin, having been stretched for so many years, now hangs, enveloping my entire penis. They could use the skin to make a purse.
When I got home, I left a message with Dr. Rothman's office, inquiring when I could resume such "recreational activities," like running and sex. He never returned my phone call.
My dad said I should probably stick to walking and hand jobs.
Friday, January 15, 2010
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Why I Hate Judd Apatow Movies
Judd Apatow movies suck. If you think they are hilarious, then you are an idiot.
In case you don't know who he is, Judd Apatow is the director of such inane comedies as "40 Year-Old Virgin," "Knocked Up" and "Pineapple Express." I'm not saying these movies aren't entirely vapid, but as a whole, they are simply terrible. This is a fact, not an opinion.
Here's how I will prove to you that Judd Apatow movies suck:
1. Get to the point, fucker.
Do you have friends that tell jokes? Do you have friends that tell really long jokes? And you know that the really long joke- no matter how funny the punch line may be- really wasn't worth all of that time listening? Judd Apatow is that guy- the guy telling that excruciatingly long joke that, in the end, wasn't so funny.
Unlike most of the world, I've not been diagnosed with Attention Deficit Disorder, so I can give an unbiased, Ritalin-free opinion. "40 Year Old Virgin" was simply too long to be funny. It's not until like an hour and half into the movie that the virgin gets into a fight with his girlfriend. You know what that means- it means that we have to wait for the situation to resolve itself. I wanted to cry when I realized there was more to this terribly unfunnny movie. The whole fucking movie then turned out to be 133 minutes. Jesus people!! That's a long fucking movie! A long movie about some fucking virgin. Who gives a fuck?? "Gandhi," one of the greatest movies of all time, was 155 minutes. Gandhi may not have been a virgin, but I doubt he was banging many chicks by the end of his life. But do you know what Gandhi did when he also wasn't having sex like the little shithead in "40 Year Old Virgin?" HE LIBERATED AN ENTIRE FUCKING COUNTRY FROM OPPRESSION!! ONE MAN DID THIS!! CAN YOU BELIEVE IT??? He peacefully boycotted the British empire and brought it down!! He refused to let the British insult the people of India and waste their resources. And one man lead this revolution! Holy shit! Now that's a movie worth watching for 2-3 hours!! I don't need to see 133 minutes about a fucking virgin who works at a crappy electronics store in the Valley.
They key to comedy is brevity. This means: keep it short, stupid. "Knocked Up" clocks in at 133 minutes, and "Funny People" comes in at an astonishing 146 minutes. Who the fuck cares about these characters and their long drawn-out, unfunny lives? God I hate them.
So Judd Apatow read the first bullet here: get to the fucking point. They say in movies and books you should start the plot as late as possible so you can get to through to the resolve. I simply don't have patience for a long and stupid comedy.
2. He's so over the top... fucker.
Alright, that last "fucker" was just for effect. I know, it fit better in the above bullet, but it's nonsensical here. But if you're reading this that means that you either share my anger, or disagree with me- which means you're used to long-winded crap. My rant is no different that some shitty Judd Apatow movie.
Alright: Judd Apatow movies suck because they are simply too "over the top" to be realistic. My case in point : that shit-film "Knocked Up." This movie was horrendous. Here's classic Apataowian over the top shit: the scene where the fat fuck impregnates the white trash slut... actually the scene where he tells his father he impregnated her. Do you remember it? Fatboy sits down with his father and tells him that after a one-night stand he impregnated some white cave bitch... Before you conjure up this terrible scene in your head: imagine your parent's reaction if you did the same. How would your parents feel if you knocked up some chick or you got knocked up by some fat Jewish kid? Take a moment to think about it....
THEY WOULD FUCKING DIE!!! They would kill themselves before they could even kill you!! It would be some Hitlerian Valhalla- cyanide capsules, and a gun-shot to the head. And you know that's true. But how does the Judd Apatow father react "[Oh son, that's wonderful. I'm so happy for you. Having kids is wonderful.]" ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? No parent, especially a Jewish father (and trust me- I know Jews) would think impregnating some shiksa after a one-night-stand was a good thing. And Judd the dud throws this crap at us and expects us to believe it. So we're supposed to suspend reality, and say: "oh cool, yeah, a one-night-stand impregnation is totally cool with this guy's father. cool... continue on with this movie." Sorry people, I'm not bright, but I'm not a fucking Apa-tool. I ask you not to suspend reality in every movie, but don't let Apatow try to fool you to the extent that he insults your intelligence. Furthermore, Judd Apatow just makes a bunch of dick and weed jokes that aren't funny. They appeal to pre-adolescent males. They insult us all.
Conclusion
I'm sure I haven't "proven" my point to you. In fact, I can't prove that Judd Apatow movies really do suck that much because I've only been able to sit through one-and-a-half of them (those named above). I hear "Funny People" isn't funny at all. I hear it's a drama about a dying man. I might see this one actually because Judd isn't trying to be funny- he's found his real calling! Depressing us!
Criticize me all you want, fuckers. I know- he's a multi-millionaire and I'm some schmuck behind a shitty, three year-old laptop. But you know what- money, and good marketing doesn't mean a good quality film. The fact is is that the studios help to make these movies to MAKE MONEY. It's not about a quality movie. It's about the studios and corporations OPPRESSING us by only putting out this crap and expecting us to pay for it. They put out movies that will appeal to the most amount of people so more people will go see them. It's another form of corporate oppression.
I, like my friend Mahatma Gandhi, refuse to participate. I will boycott the drivel that the studios are pumping out. I won't spend my money anymore to have my time wasted and intelligence insulted by their shit.
Fuck Judd Apatow movies.
In case you don't know who he is, Judd Apatow is the director of such inane comedies as "40 Year-Old Virgin," "Knocked Up" and "Pineapple Express." I'm not saying these movies aren't entirely vapid, but as a whole, they are simply terrible. This is a fact, not an opinion.
Here's how I will prove to you that Judd Apatow movies suck:
1. Get to the point, fucker.
Do you have friends that tell jokes? Do you have friends that tell really long jokes? And you know that the really long joke- no matter how funny the punch line may be- really wasn't worth all of that time listening? Judd Apatow is that guy- the guy telling that excruciatingly long joke that, in the end, wasn't so funny.
Unlike most of the world, I've not been diagnosed with Attention Deficit Disorder, so I can give an unbiased, Ritalin-free opinion. "40 Year Old Virgin" was simply too long to be funny. It's not until like an hour and half into the movie that the virgin gets into a fight with his girlfriend. You know what that means- it means that we have to wait for the situation to resolve itself. I wanted to cry when I realized there was more to this terribly unfunnny movie. The whole fucking movie then turned out to be 133 minutes. Jesus people!! That's a long fucking movie! A long movie about some fucking virgin. Who gives a fuck?? "Gandhi," one of the greatest movies of all time, was 155 minutes. Gandhi may not have been a virgin, but I doubt he was banging many chicks by the end of his life. But do you know what Gandhi did when he also wasn't having sex like the little shithead in "40 Year Old Virgin?" HE LIBERATED AN ENTIRE FUCKING COUNTRY FROM OPPRESSION!! ONE MAN DID THIS!! CAN YOU BELIEVE IT??? He peacefully boycotted the British empire and brought it down!! He refused to let the British insult the people of India and waste their resources. And one man lead this revolution! Holy shit! Now that's a movie worth watching for 2-3 hours!! I don't need to see 133 minutes about a fucking virgin who works at a crappy electronics store in the Valley.
They key to comedy is brevity. This means: keep it short, stupid. "Knocked Up" clocks in at 133 minutes, and "Funny People" comes in at an astonishing 146 minutes. Who the fuck cares about these characters and their long drawn-out, unfunny lives? God I hate them.
So Judd Apatow read the first bullet here: get to the fucking point. They say in movies and books you should start the plot as late as possible so you can get to through to the resolve. I simply don't have patience for a long and stupid comedy.
2. He's so over the top... fucker.
Alright, that last "fucker" was just for effect. I know, it fit better in the above bullet, but it's nonsensical here. But if you're reading this that means that you either share my anger, or disagree with me- which means you're used to long-winded crap. My rant is no different that some shitty Judd Apatow movie.
Alright: Judd Apatow movies suck because they are simply too "over the top" to be realistic. My case in point : that shit-film "Knocked Up." This movie was horrendous. Here's classic Apataowian over the top shit: the scene where the fat fuck impregnates the white trash slut... actually the scene where he tells his father he impregnated her. Do you remember it? Fatboy sits down with his father and tells him that after a one-night stand he impregnated some white cave bitch... Before you conjure up this terrible scene in your head: imagine your parent's reaction if you did the same. How would your parents feel if you knocked up some chick or you got knocked up by some fat Jewish kid? Take a moment to think about it....
THEY WOULD FUCKING DIE!!! They would kill themselves before they could even kill you!! It would be some Hitlerian Valhalla- cyanide capsules, and a gun-shot to the head. And you know that's true. But how does the Judd Apatow father react "[Oh son, that's wonderful. I'm so happy for you. Having kids is wonderful.]" ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? No parent, especially a Jewish father (and trust me- I know Jews) would think impregnating some shiksa after a one-night-stand was a good thing. And Judd the dud throws this crap at us and expects us to believe it. So we're supposed to suspend reality, and say: "oh cool, yeah, a one-night-stand impregnation is totally cool with this guy's father. cool... continue on with this movie." Sorry people, I'm not bright, but I'm not a fucking Apa-tool. I ask you not to suspend reality in every movie, but don't let Apatow try to fool you to the extent that he insults your intelligence. Furthermore, Judd Apatow just makes a bunch of dick and weed jokes that aren't funny. They appeal to pre-adolescent males. They insult us all.
Conclusion
I'm sure I haven't "proven" my point to you. In fact, I can't prove that Judd Apatow movies really do suck that much because I've only been able to sit through one-and-a-half of them (those named above). I hear "Funny People" isn't funny at all. I hear it's a drama about a dying man. I might see this one actually because Judd isn't trying to be funny- he's found his real calling! Depressing us!
Criticize me all you want, fuckers. I know- he's a multi-millionaire and I'm some schmuck behind a shitty, three year-old laptop. But you know what- money, and good marketing doesn't mean a good quality film. The fact is is that the studios help to make these movies to MAKE MONEY. It's not about a quality movie. It's about the studios and corporations OPPRESSING us by only putting out this crap and expecting us to pay for it. They put out movies that will appeal to the most amount of people so more people will go see them. It's another form of corporate oppression.
I, like my friend Mahatma Gandhi, refuse to participate. I will boycott the drivel that the studios are pumping out. I won't spend my money anymore to have my time wasted and intelligence insulted by their shit.
Fuck Judd Apatow movies.
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